The sun is just coming up, the only sound is the sound of coffee brewing. The smell of pumpkin spice coffee is slowly filling the air. I remember these mornings eighteen years ago and how sacred they were. Soon the house would be filled with tiny voices, baby cries and the morning news. There are no more tiny voices and baby cries, and who watches the news anymore?
I've always said time is an asshole and I'm really feeling that lately.It seems the older I get the faster time passes me by. I made a goal to write more and here I am nine months into the year and I have not been writing. I lay awake at night thinking about writing but tell myself I need to sleep. So I lay there for hours trying to shut my brain off. I need to to start getting out of bed and writing about what is keeping me up. I've always been pretty transparent, I don't like to sugar coat my life. So here goes, maybe it'll become a series. I awoke at 4 am, went potty and my thoughts took over. I tried and tried to fall back to sleep but no such luck. I decided to quietly get dressed, in the dark, trying not to wake Bill or Jake, and write about whats keeping me from falling back to sleep.
Please hold while I go make a delicious cup of Trader Joe's pumpkin spice coffee..... I add coconut oil and heavy whipping cream, so yummy.
That first sip is always soul lifting, it's like an alarm clock for your taste buds. Today's thoughts are how I can help my children that are struggling. There's two of them and after spending the day with them yesterday I wish I had more answers. When they were little I sometimes felt defeated but I always figured it out for them. Now they have to figure it out for themselves but I still feel like they need me. They need me to guide them, put ideas in their head. Dub needs a new car, his is a peice of shit, always has been. (that is a whole other blog post)I don't have the funds to get him a car but I do have a monthly income to help him pay for a car. So how do I work up the courage to talk to my ex in laws about getting a loan from them to get Dub a safe, reliable car? Like how do I do that? Sure he could do it himself but that's going to take a lot for him to get to that point. He's not one to ask for help, he will suffer in silence until somebody notices, I've been noticing. He is taking steps to better his life, but this car issue is holding him back. Hard to get to job interviews when you don't have a reliable vehicle.
My other thought is how can I help T heal his gut when he's not living with me. He can't eat in public any more because he's so afraid that something is going to have dairy in it. And even if it doesn't he sometimes ends up in the bathroom in misery. He will go all day without eating just to avoid misery. I know I could help him if he lived with me but he doesn't. (that is also a whole other blog post) T also needs a car, he has his graduation money but he doesn't want his dad helping him buy a car, see above about Dub's car. I look for cars in his price range but lets be honest, I don't know how to buy a used car from some stranger. Just thinking about that process leaves me paralyzed with anxiety.
So here I am at six am, drinking coffee, worried about my boys, trying to figure it all out. How can I book more photo sessions? How can I sell post cards and magnets with my photos? Only fans is not for me, though I have pretty feet. *wink* I am about ready to get a second job to pay off credit card debt that I acquired this past year from not working many hours and buying groceries. But then that still doesn't help me solve the above problems....
Life was simpler when they were little, don't let those parenting books fool you. They may need you less for the every day stuff but they now need you for the heavy stuff.
I've always said time is an asshole and I'm really feeling that lately.It seems the older I get the faster time passes me by. I made a goal to write more and here I am nine months into the year and I have not been writing. I lay awake at night thinking about writing but tell myself I need to sleep. So I lay there for hours trying to shut my brain off. I need to to start getting out of bed and writing about what is keeping me up. I've always been pretty transparent, I don't like to sugar coat my life. So here goes, maybe it'll become a series. I awoke at 4 am, went potty and my thoughts took over. I tried and tried to fall back to sleep but no such luck. I decided to quietly get dressed, in the dark, trying not to wake Bill or Jake, and write about whats keeping me from falling back to sleep.
Please hold while I go make a delicious cup of Trader Joe's pumpkin spice coffee..... I add coconut oil and heavy whipping cream, so yummy.
That first sip is always soul lifting, it's like an alarm clock for your taste buds. Today's thoughts are how I can help my children that are struggling. There's two of them and after spending the day with them yesterday I wish I had more answers. When they were little I sometimes felt defeated but I always figured it out for them. Now they have to figure it out for themselves but I still feel like they need me. They need me to guide them, put ideas in their head. Dub needs a new car, his is a peice of shit, always has been. (that is a whole other blog post)I don't have the funds to get him a car but I do have a monthly income to help him pay for a car. So how do I work up the courage to talk to my ex in laws about getting a loan from them to get Dub a safe, reliable car? Like how do I do that? Sure he could do it himself but that's going to take a lot for him to get to that point. He's not one to ask for help, he will suffer in silence until somebody notices, I've been noticing. He is taking steps to better his life, but this car issue is holding him back. Hard to get to job interviews when you don't have a reliable vehicle.
My other thought is how can I help T heal his gut when he's not living with me. He can't eat in public any more because he's so afraid that something is going to have dairy in it. And even if it doesn't he sometimes ends up in the bathroom in misery. He will go all day without eating just to avoid misery. I know I could help him if he lived with me but he doesn't. (that is also a whole other blog post) T also needs a car, he has his graduation money but he doesn't want his dad helping him buy a car, see above about Dub's car. I look for cars in his price range but lets be honest, I don't know how to buy a used car from some stranger. Just thinking about that process leaves me paralyzed with anxiety.
So here I am at six am, drinking coffee, worried about my boys, trying to figure it all out. How can I book more photo sessions? How can I sell post cards and magnets with my photos? Only fans is not for me, though I have pretty feet. *wink* I am about ready to get a second job to pay off credit card debt that I acquired this past year from not working many hours and buying groceries. But then that still doesn't help me solve the above problems....
Life was simpler when they were little, don't let those parenting books fool you. They may need you less for the every day stuff but they now need you for the heavy stuff.
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