A heart that is broken over uncertainty and change. A heart that wants something so badly it's all the mind can think about.
I want to write about it, write about it until my fingers bleed. Nobody wants to hear about it, my words are full of sorrow and angst. I try to find the positive, there are positives in my life. I go for walks, I watch funny videos, I listen to my favorite songs to keep the positive thoughts at the forefront of my mind. When the negative seeps in, I lace up my running shoes and I run. I run until my lungs hurt, and my legs burn. If that doesn't help I let myself cry. I cry until my make-up is gone and my eyes are puffy. It doesn't matter how many times I let myself cry, or how hard I run, my heart is still broken. It longs to be elsewhere. It longs to be where it's so hot your skin stings from the sun, where you wait until dark to go swimming because the air is just too hot. I want to be where there are city lights and traffic. I want to be where the running paths are long and lined with cacti.
I wrote this months ago, it's not finished and I don't tend to finish it... I was never going to share it anyways;I wasn't going to write again. That is where my mind was, I was frustrated, stressed, heart broken. I didn't know where our future was headed. I didn't want to think about anything, I wanted to take it day by day. That worked for a long time, now that the holidays are creeping up on us I keep wondering how in the hell are we going to pull this off. Things have always worked out for us, well, what if this time they don't. This is where my mind is right now. It's really hard to think about anything else, I'm in such a hopeless place.
The words above were written in June and August of 2016.....Now it's April of 2017 and I am where I longed to be for so many years. I am home, I am happy, life is good, really fucking good. The road here was hard, it seemed impossible at times, lots of tears were shed, lots of hurtful things were said and done. I look back and I am so thankful all the bad brought us here. The kids are happier, sure there are things they miss, but they are happier. Hell, there are things and people I miss but this is where we belong, this is home.
I want to write about it, write about it until my fingers bleed. Nobody wants to hear about it, my words are full of sorrow and angst. I try to find the positive, there are positives in my life. I go for walks, I watch funny videos, I listen to my favorite songs to keep the positive thoughts at the forefront of my mind. When the negative seeps in, I lace up my running shoes and I run. I run until my lungs hurt, and my legs burn. If that doesn't help I let myself cry. I cry until my make-up is gone and my eyes are puffy. It doesn't matter how many times I let myself cry, or how hard I run, my heart is still broken. It longs to be elsewhere. It longs to be where it's so hot your skin stings from the sun, where you wait until dark to go swimming because the air is just too hot. I want to be where there are city lights and traffic. I want to be where the running paths are long and lined with cacti.
I wrote this months ago, it's not finished and I don't tend to finish it... I was never going to share it anyways;I wasn't going to write again. That is where my mind was, I was frustrated, stressed, heart broken. I didn't know where our future was headed. I didn't want to think about anything, I wanted to take it day by day. That worked for a long time, now that the holidays are creeping up on us I keep wondering how in the hell are we going to pull this off. Things have always worked out for us, well, what if this time they don't. This is where my mind is right now. It's really hard to think about anything else, I'm in such a hopeless place.
The words above were written in June and August of 2016.....Now it's April of 2017 and I am where I longed to be for so many years. I am home, I am happy, life is good, really fucking good. The road here was hard, it seemed impossible at times, lots of tears were shed, lots of hurtful things were said and done. I look back and I am so thankful all the bad brought us here. The kids are happier, sure there are things they miss, but they are happier. Hell, there are things and people I miss but this is where we belong, this is home.
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