Actually knowing what you need, are you good at expressing your wants and needs?
I am not sure everyone can express these needs, or even if they know what they need. I've always known, I've always been an open book. I've never kept my real feelings a secret. If I am hurting, you are going to know about it. If you ask how you can ease the pain, I will tell you exactly what you can do. I've never been good at hiding my feelings, I believe that is why I'm not liked by many. If my words can't express what I'm feeling my face, tears, mannerisms will. Not once have I felt like my emotional needs weren't being meant. Why? because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. If someone asks me about my day I am honest, even if it means my eyes well up and I'm forced to choke back the tears. I've never been good at hiding my true feelings. I never thought about this being a good or bad thing, it's just who I am. I've accepted my no filter personality and embraced it.
I've been empowered by strong people, people who go out and get exactly what they want out of life, I was doing that, living that life. Then life threw us a curve ball and we ended up here, Small Town, MT. Since moving here I've felt defeated, alone, and needing more. It's been almost three years, I'm still not being heard. I've been shushed, swayed, convinced, never heard. My wants and needs are brushed off while I'm made to feel like I just need time. I started to believe it, I was almost convinced. Then winter came again and I want to say fuck you to everyone that thinks all I need is an open mind and time to love it here. I will never love it here, I will never be truly happy here. I am not meant to live in a small town where it snows and where the winters are longer than the summers. It's not who I am, the grey skies and icy roads depress me. I try to be upbeat, I've tried to give it my best attitude, it just fucking sucks. I have one happy day to six unhappy days. Who wants to live like that? Who would want someone to live like that?
I'm so unhappy here I actually said out loud, "I wish the tree would short out and burn this house down so we'd have a reason to move.", I really said that, out loud. I'm not ashamed, I'm just unhappy. I've never been so unhappy for so long without being heard. I want an out...especially when I hear my kids say things about wanting to move back to Phoenix. All three boys have expressed the want to move back, the girl, she did move back. I don't mean to hurt any feelings or talk ill of this small town, it's a great place with fantastic people. The people here are amazing, so completely welcoming and loving, it's just not who I am. I am busy streets, tall buildings, 4 Targets within twenty minutes. I am fall baseball, three story shopping malls, 110 degree weather. I can't change who I am just to make others happy, I can't, and I won't. This means I suffer to appease others. I am putting everyone else before myself, this is new to me. I'm learning to filter my mouth when someone tells me I just need to go skiing in the winters. I'm biting my tongue when everyone tells me that camping is fun and I need to learn to love it.
Fuck skiing, fuck camping....these are the two things I hate the most. Why should I be forced to like these things because of where I live? I'd much rather get on a plane and spend a week anywhere but skiing or camping, even in hell. I want room service and sunshine and to be able to wear flip flops and skirts three hundred days a year. I want the golden light during sunset. I want baseball for my boys more than two months a year. I want to be able to get Starbucks every Sunday morning. I want to look out my window and see cacti. I want to be able to wake up on a Thursday and decide to drive to San Diego or Las Vegas for the weekend. I want to wake up knowing my husband has a career. I want to second shoot weddings with friends. I want to sip cocktails on the patio of a restaurant in December. I want to live closer to my daughter, my mom. I want my mom to be able to get in her car and drive to see us for a long weekend. I want to live where you lay on the tile flooring for the coolness and not the warmth. I want to live where you don't need snow pants, snowboots, gloves, or long johns.
In a nutshell, this is the first time in my life that I feel my needs mean nothing, they aren't important. I've given this place three years, isn't that enough? I've never hated living anywhere as an adult as much as I hate living here. I did move to Utah when I was nineteen, I lasted from September to January...I hated it for exactly why I hate it here. The difference, I was 19, and kidless back then. Packing up and moving was a hell of a lot easier.
I am not sure everyone can express these needs, or even if they know what they need. I've always known, I've always been an open book. I've never kept my real feelings a secret. If I am hurting, you are going to know about it. If you ask how you can ease the pain, I will tell you exactly what you can do. I've never been good at hiding my feelings, I believe that is why I'm not liked by many. If my words can't express what I'm feeling my face, tears, mannerisms will. Not once have I felt like my emotional needs weren't being meant. Why? because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. If someone asks me about my day I am honest, even if it means my eyes well up and I'm forced to choke back the tears. I've never been good at hiding my true feelings. I never thought about this being a good or bad thing, it's just who I am. I've accepted my no filter personality and embraced it.
I've been empowered by strong people, people who go out and get exactly what they want out of life, I was doing that, living that life. Then life threw us a curve ball and we ended up here, Small Town, MT. Since moving here I've felt defeated, alone, and needing more. It's been almost three years, I'm still not being heard. I've been shushed, swayed, convinced, never heard. My wants and needs are brushed off while I'm made to feel like I just need time. I started to believe it, I was almost convinced. Then winter came again and I want to say fuck you to everyone that thinks all I need is an open mind and time to love it here. I will never love it here, I will never be truly happy here. I am not meant to live in a small town where it snows and where the winters are longer than the summers. It's not who I am, the grey skies and icy roads depress me. I try to be upbeat, I've tried to give it my best attitude, it just fucking sucks. I have one happy day to six unhappy days. Who wants to live like that? Who would want someone to live like that?
I'm so unhappy here I actually said out loud, "I wish the tree would short out and burn this house down so we'd have a reason to move.", I really said that, out loud. I'm not ashamed, I'm just unhappy. I've never been so unhappy for so long without being heard. I want an out...especially when I hear my kids say things about wanting to move back to Phoenix. All three boys have expressed the want to move back, the girl, she did move back. I don't mean to hurt any feelings or talk ill of this small town, it's a great place with fantastic people. The people here are amazing, so completely welcoming and loving, it's just not who I am. I am busy streets, tall buildings, 4 Targets within twenty minutes. I am fall baseball, three story shopping malls, 110 degree weather. I can't change who I am just to make others happy, I can't, and I won't. This means I suffer to appease others. I am putting everyone else before myself, this is new to me. I'm learning to filter my mouth when someone tells me I just need to go skiing in the winters. I'm biting my tongue when everyone tells me that camping is fun and I need to learn to love it.
Fuck skiing, fuck camping....these are the two things I hate the most. Why should I be forced to like these things because of where I live? I'd much rather get on a plane and spend a week anywhere but skiing or camping, even in hell. I want room service and sunshine and to be able to wear flip flops and skirts three hundred days a year. I want the golden light during sunset. I want baseball for my boys more than two months a year. I want to be able to get Starbucks every Sunday morning. I want to look out my window and see cacti. I want to be able to wake up on a Thursday and decide to drive to San Diego or Las Vegas for the weekend. I want to wake up knowing my husband has a career. I want to second shoot weddings with friends. I want to sip cocktails on the patio of a restaurant in December. I want to live closer to my daughter, my mom. I want my mom to be able to get in her car and drive to see us for a long weekend. I want to live where you lay on the tile flooring for the coolness and not the warmth. I want to live where you don't need snow pants, snowboots, gloves, or long johns.
In a nutshell, this is the first time in my life that I feel my needs mean nothing, they aren't important. I've given this place three years, isn't that enough? I've never hated living anywhere as an adult as much as I hate living here. I did move to Utah when I was nineteen, I lasted from September to January...I hated it for exactly why I hate it here. The difference, I was 19, and kidless back then. Packing up and moving was a hell of a lot easier.
Comments
I did like our almost 9 years in Montana (Billings) but I was cold from October to June. It was a growing time for me, but even though we have fond memories of it, neither one of us would consider moving back there.
We have found ourselves in Prescott, Arizona for this past year with plans to move to Phoenix soon as we can find a house down there we like in our budget. Moving to be closer to family. I'm actually thinking it will be a nice area to be, hot weather and all. But you are right, it is a big city with lots to do and a hub to get to other places close by. Living in a small town, it is hard to navigate around to other places and the opportunities for shopping, etc., just aren't there.
betty