Smoke filled sky...and more negativity..turn away now.

The smoke is just getting worse as the days go on. You can't see the mountains, you can't open your car door without ash flying all around. You can't exercise outside, you're eyes burn, you get headaches throughout the day, and your throat get's itchy. I'm stir crazy and seriously going to lose my mind. It's the last weeks of summer and we can't enjoy it because of this smoke. This happens here every year, every summer is cut short because of the smoke. This being another reason we should move. This photo is what our sky has looked like for weeks now.
I am edgy, cranky and my mind won't shut off. I keep thinking about what if we moved backed to Phoenix, what if we moved back to San Diego, hell even Henderson..what if? It consumes my mind because that is all I want. I want out of here, the smoke pushes these thoughts to the front of my mind even more. I try to be positive, I think of all the things that make living here so great worth suffering through cold, snow, ice, smoke, and boredom. The list gets smaller on some days like today, I'm frustrated. I'm as frustrated as a hamster stuck in that stupid wheel that takes him nowhere.

I'm not allowed to talk about moving or how I am not happy here, I get shushed. I get reminded that I have great friends here. If I mention Mr. Fun getting a job outside of Montana I get asked why and then reminded of what a great place this is to raise kids. I do have great friends here, so many, that I would miss. I also have great friends in other places that I miss immensely right now, I am used to missing people. I am not used to living in a small town, I still don't love it. As far as this place being a great place for raising kids....I don't see it being any better than the other places we were raising our kids. There are still child molesters, drugs, theft...ect. The school is not a great school, mediocre at best. There just isn't as many opportunities as we had in other cities. My reins have been loosened a lot when it comes to letting my kids just take off on their own but I think that is more to do with them getting older. I used to let the boys ride or walk to the park together before we moved here. I would let the girl and her friends walk to the mall when we lived in Phoenix.

I am still struggling and I can't help but wonder if this is my life now, a struggle. I go to bed with thoughts that keep me awake. I wake up with a positive attitude, I tell myself that it's going to be a day filled with good, nothing but good. The what if thoughts still creep in and I'm left wondering why the hell we still live here. There are no jobs, there are no great opportunities for the boys, the girl got the hell out, so why not us too? I never get to see my mom, Mr. Fun and I can't travel together because there isn't anyone to sit with the kids. We don't own the house we live in, the boys all say they'd move..... so why am I still here?

I read a quote today.... Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.

Well, I lost my happiness in this small town but here I am hoping I'll find it again in this small town. I want to find my happiness again.