I'm learning that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I see myself as someone that just does what has to be done. It's not always easy but I've never thought of it as being strong either. It was just me doing what had to be done. As I grow to know myself better I am realizing just how strong I really am. These past two plus years have been filled with so much change. A lot of it was exciting and good, some of it has been scary as hell and really hard. Here I am today, drinking green tea, listening to Mr. Fun sing, wondering if G made it out to the fire call, hearing laughter through Dub's door and waiting on T to make his way home from a sleepover....Life is good. Life is really good, I can't deny that.
With the good comes the bad, It's a balance. You can't let one bad day ruin your entire week. I'm learning I can't let one bad thing ruin my entire life. I'm being braver, letting myself get close to life here. I'm letting myself allow this small town to feel like home. It's very scary for me to do this, it scares me to think this is our forever home. This is not where I want my forever home to be but every once in awhile I find myself smiling at the thought of putting roots down here.
It's not the lifestyle I ever saw myself living, ever. Here I am though, rolling with the tide. I'm making great friends, friends that do love living here. Friends that want me to love living here. It's just not where I saw myself living for so many reasons. Those reasons are things I'm beginning to love, like the snow and the cold. You hear that correctly, I love the cold and snow. We haven't had enough of it this year though. I'm learning to appreciate nature like never before. I'm wanting to be outside as much as I can. I want to conquer my fears, like I did yesterday. I hiked on ice and dangled my feet off a rock that was much higher than I thought I could handle without freaking out. I did it, I sat there, I dangled my feet over the edge. I took in the beauty of my surroundings and as I listened to the fast flowing creek below me I reminded myself that I am lucky to experience this. I'm lucky to have friends that love adventure as much as I do and who patiently wait for me while I take it all in.
I believe the fear of moving here was my greatest fear I've ever felt. It was the fear that lasted days, weeks...even months. It was a move with lots of questions and what ifs, a move where Mr. Fun and I looked at each other with the look "we are fucking crazy, CRAZY, to be doing this". It was a move with nothing but uncertainties and questions. We didn't know what Montana had in mind for us. We moved here with nothing but a moving truck and hopes. Two years later, both Mr. Fun and I have full time jobs, bills are easier to pay, the extras are easier to say yes to. I'm still not loving that there isn't a Starbucks close enough to get my iced green tea on a whim. I'm still not liking I have to drive forty minutes to go to Costco or anywhere else, actually. But I am catching myself breathing it all in and smiling. The tears still come but not as often.
I'm learning to set aside the fear and breathe in the joy.
With the good comes the bad, It's a balance. You can't let one bad day ruin your entire week. I'm learning I can't let one bad thing ruin my entire life. I'm being braver, letting myself get close to life here. I'm letting myself allow this small town to feel like home. It's very scary for me to do this, it scares me to think this is our forever home. This is not where I want my forever home to be but every once in awhile I find myself smiling at the thought of putting roots down here.
It's not the lifestyle I ever saw myself living, ever. Here I am though, rolling with the tide. I'm making great friends, friends that do love living here. Friends that want me to love living here. It's just not where I saw myself living for so many reasons. Those reasons are things I'm beginning to love, like the snow and the cold. You hear that correctly, I love the cold and snow. We haven't had enough of it this year though. I'm learning to appreciate nature like never before. I'm wanting to be outside as much as I can. I want to conquer my fears, like I did yesterday. I hiked on ice and dangled my feet off a rock that was much higher than I thought I could handle without freaking out. I did it, I sat there, I dangled my feet over the edge. I took in the beauty of my surroundings and as I listened to the fast flowing creek below me I reminded myself that I am lucky to experience this. I'm lucky to have friends that love adventure as much as I do and who patiently wait for me while I take it all in.
I believe the fear of moving here was my greatest fear I've ever felt. It was the fear that lasted days, weeks...even months. It was a move with lots of questions and what ifs, a move where Mr. Fun and I looked at each other with the look "we are fucking crazy, CRAZY, to be doing this". It was a move with nothing but uncertainties and questions. We didn't know what Montana had in mind for us. We moved here with nothing but a moving truck and hopes. Two years later, both Mr. Fun and I have full time jobs, bills are easier to pay, the extras are easier to say yes to. I'm still not loving that there isn't a Starbucks close enough to get my iced green tea on a whim. I'm still not liking I have to drive forty minutes to go to Costco or anywhere else, actually. But I am catching myself breathing it all in and smiling. The tears still come but not as often.
I'm learning to set aside the fear and breathe in the joy.
Comments
Montana is a wonderful state! I'm so glad you and your hubby gave it a chance those few years ago. We lived in Billings for 8 years (1998-2006); while I remained cold from October through June, those years were the best years of my life though they were filled with some of the hardest things we dealt with. We remember our time there fondly, though not sure at our ages (mid 50's/early 60s) we want to retire there (mainly the cold). I'm thinking you are farther out in the country so to speak if you need to drive 40 miles to Costco.
Enjoy the time no matter how long it lasts and if it ends up being your forever home, it is a great place to be a forever home :)
betty