Those who have never experienced it, don't understand it. It's so crippling and makes no sense. It's nonsense, it's hard to understand when you do have it. Panic attacks are frightening, even when you know what is happening.
I remember my first, so clearly. At the time I didn't know what was happening, I thought I was getting sick. I decided to try to nap, I couldn't. So I told Mr. Fun we had to get out of the house, go somewhere, anywhere. We loaded up the kids and headed to Scottsdale, no final destination in mind. We walked around, took photos, ate lunch and shopped. The anxiety faded away that day, pretty easily. That day happened in May of 2008.
This winter, my first real winter since I was 19 was a doozy, boy did it play with my senses. I kept my fingernails naked to keep an eye on my circulation, I was slightly depressed, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to bury myself in my bed, where it was warm and watch trash TV that took my mind off my numb head and tingling leg. I would read my favorite blogs and get sad at all the photos, photos I wanted to be out taking. I did get out once to take photos but I was in such a funk that my head wouldn't let me do more, it was like I was a prisoner in my own body. If you have anxiety, you know the feeling I am talking about. You want to be social, with all your might, you want to be social, you just can't. Friends text and invite you places, you decline. Whether you want to go or not, you can't. Your mind says no way and you get that pit in your stomach, your breathing becomes heavy and you withdrawal from life. You worry about the big things, the little things, the stupid things, things that you shouldn't worry about, you worry about. You over think every conversation you've had in the last two years. It really is pathetic how quickly you spiral down that rabbit hole.
I've felt anxious EVERY SINGLE DAY for over a year. Every day at some point I've talked myself down from a panic attack, I wasn't always successful. Today was different, I woke up happy, kissed my family goodbye and started laundry. I was asked to go somewhere with a friend and I did. The only difference is I didn't feel anxious, at all. I didn't know I didn't feel anxious until a stranger knocked on my door later that day, the panic hit me, I froze. After they walked away is when I realized I hadn't felt anxious until that moment. I had left my house in work out clothes, no make-up, coffee in hand without over thinking it. Seems extremely silly, doesn't it? It is silly but it's also a huge moment for me, a freeing moment.
I started noticing a slight difference in me when I started working out and eating Paleo again. I was responding quicker to text messages, I was answering my phone even though I didn't know the number. I was saying yes to invitations more often. I was wanting to get out of the house, I even walked to get kids from school a couple times. Even though I still felt anxious I was able to cope and do things I stopped doing. I still haven't felt the urge to have a house warming party like I want to, let's not get crazy here. But today gives me hope. Hope that by the time the girl's graduation rolls around her party won't leave me exhausted and drained because my body spent the weeks up to it tense and anxious. Today gave me hope that we can start inviting people over more often(and my best friend doesn't count, she invites herself over anyways because she knows I won't invite her), accepting more invitations to do things with friends. Gives me hope that I can face the public again without feeling like I'm going to puke.
I also realized that my head hasn't been numb in a long time. My leg and cheek still tingle from time to time but my head not being numb is huge. It's like getting a cast off your dominant hand after years of having the heavy bulky plaster reminding you of all the things you should be worrying about.
So here's to me loving where I live, being thankful for those that got us here, thankful to those that understand me and still love me. I can go months, sometimes years without talking to my friends, so incredibly sad but true. I am grateful for the friends that stand by me and are either patient or pushy. Hoping to get me back and be more mindful of my hermit like actions, push myself to be more social and pick up the phone more often.
Anxiety is a form of hell, I'm ready to be stronger, love life again and enjoy the every day.
Too many great friends and too many new friends to live this way any longer....
I remember my first, so clearly. At the time I didn't know what was happening, I thought I was getting sick. I decided to try to nap, I couldn't. So I told Mr. Fun we had to get out of the house, go somewhere, anywhere. We loaded up the kids and headed to Scottsdale, no final destination in mind. We walked around, took photos, ate lunch and shopped. The anxiety faded away that day, pretty easily. That day happened in May of 2008.
This winter, my first real winter since I was 19 was a doozy, boy did it play with my senses. I kept my fingernails naked to keep an eye on my circulation, I was slightly depressed, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to bury myself in my bed, where it was warm and watch trash TV that took my mind off my numb head and tingling leg. I would read my favorite blogs and get sad at all the photos, photos I wanted to be out taking. I did get out once to take photos but I was in such a funk that my head wouldn't let me do more, it was like I was a prisoner in my own body. If you have anxiety, you know the feeling I am talking about. You want to be social, with all your might, you want to be social, you just can't. Friends text and invite you places, you decline. Whether you want to go or not, you can't. Your mind says no way and you get that pit in your stomach, your breathing becomes heavy and you withdrawal from life. You worry about the big things, the little things, the stupid things, things that you shouldn't worry about, you worry about. You over think every conversation you've had in the last two years. It really is pathetic how quickly you spiral down that rabbit hole.
I've felt anxious EVERY SINGLE DAY for over a year. Every day at some point I've talked myself down from a panic attack, I wasn't always successful. Today was different, I woke up happy, kissed my family goodbye and started laundry. I was asked to go somewhere with a friend and I did. The only difference is I didn't feel anxious, at all. I didn't know I didn't feel anxious until a stranger knocked on my door later that day, the panic hit me, I froze. After they walked away is when I realized I hadn't felt anxious until that moment. I had left my house in work out clothes, no make-up, coffee in hand without over thinking it. Seems extremely silly, doesn't it? It is silly but it's also a huge moment for me, a freeing moment.
I started noticing a slight difference in me when I started working out and eating Paleo again. I was responding quicker to text messages, I was answering my phone even though I didn't know the number. I was saying yes to invitations more often. I was wanting to get out of the house, I even walked to get kids from school a couple times. Even though I still felt anxious I was able to cope and do things I stopped doing. I still haven't felt the urge to have a house warming party like I want to, let's not get crazy here. But today gives me hope. Hope that by the time the girl's graduation rolls around her party won't leave me exhausted and drained because my body spent the weeks up to it tense and anxious. Today gave me hope that we can start inviting people over more often(and my best friend doesn't count, she invites herself over anyways because she knows I won't invite her), accepting more invitations to do things with friends. Gives me hope that I can face the public again without feeling like I'm going to puke.
I also realized that my head hasn't been numb in a long time. My leg and cheek still tingle from time to time but my head not being numb is huge. It's like getting a cast off your dominant hand after years of having the heavy bulky plaster reminding you of all the things you should be worrying about.
So here's to me loving where I live, being thankful for those that got us here, thankful to those that understand me and still love me. I can go months, sometimes years without talking to my friends, so incredibly sad but true. I am grateful for the friends that stand by me and are either patient or pushy. Hoping to get me back and be more mindful of my hermit like actions, push myself to be more social and pick up the phone more often.
Anxiety is a form of hell, I'm ready to be stronger, love life again and enjoy the every day.
Too many great friends and too many new friends to live this way any longer....
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