As I stood there watching him, with his sleepy eyes, trying to get his shirt right side out I realized something. He doesn't need me anymore, there he his, half asleep, suns not even up yet and he's just doing what he had to do. Next thing I notice is his lunchbox is on the counter, I didn't even ask, ready for me to fill. With the older kids, these aren't things I noticed, I didn't notice because I had a little one that still needed me. Should have I noticed, I should have. The other night I started his bath and he told me he could turn it off by himself, there's another step on the road to independence, another step that I don't remember with the older kids.I have no idea when the girl started taking showers. My youngest is pouring his own milk without spilling, he's feeding the dog, he does his homework without reminders. I don't remember these milestones with the older kids, I guess I just never thought I would think it was important. T is growing up right before my eyes, my baby, my last born isn't a baby, toddler or preschooler anymore. He's a young boy that is self sufficient and independent. It seems with each child it has gone by quicker and before I knew it I was opening my eyes to just how quick it all passes. My eldest graduates high school this year, how did that happen? How do I not remember when she started making her own breakfast or doing her own laundry? How do I not remember when G, the second child, started getting glasses of milk for his little brothers? I guess it's just life and it just happens, we don't feel the need to record the little things. When they are all grown ,these things really won't matter. But, right now I feel like I should remember, right now it matters.
This leaves me with memories of the crazy early days where I had an 8 year old, 4 year old, 2 year old and newborn. How crazy that was, I never slept, I rarely showered, dinner was made if I was lucky enough to get time to make it. Top ramen and grilled cheese become staples. How I miss those times, I miss the littleness of all of them. I miss watching their personalities emerge and hearing their sweet voices say something for the first time. I wish I would have taken more video, lots more video.
Back then it seemed easier, seemed like I knew what I was doing. Now I do question every answer, every reason. Am I being too hard on them, am I being to lenient? Did I make the right decision by letting them ride their bike into town, or spend the night at that friend's house? Parenting is a constant roller coaster. It's a constant question of "am I doing a good job?" "was I a good enough mom today?" "did I really send them out the door for school with just cereal in their bellies?" "did I put enough food in their lunches?" "did I really have to get that upset over something broken that could be replaced?" "did I spend enough one on one time with them last month?" I try not to be too hard on myself because I look at my kids and I see happy, well adjusted, go with the flow kids. But then Dub..oh Dub, I suck at being his mom. Since I suck at being his mom, I must suck at being mom...Sometimes the other kids suffer because of him and my lack of strength to be strong and fight him. So I suck at this mom thing goes through my head EVERY SINGLE TIME Dub disturbs our daily routine. I have to suck because I yell, I scream, I throw things. Ask the girl about the package of saltines, oh the mommy guilt. It's truth..it's real life.
Then I was scrolling FB and ran across this video.
It makes me wonder what my kids would say about me. I assume it would be that I was crazy. I just hope that in the long run they feel loved, secure and confident. I want nothing more than for them to be happy...
This leaves me with memories of the crazy early days where I had an 8 year old, 4 year old, 2 year old and newborn. How crazy that was, I never slept, I rarely showered, dinner was made if I was lucky enough to get time to make it. Top ramen and grilled cheese become staples. How I miss those times, I miss the littleness of all of them. I miss watching their personalities emerge and hearing their sweet voices say something for the first time. I wish I would have taken more video, lots more video.
Back then it seemed easier, seemed like I knew what I was doing. Now I do question every answer, every reason. Am I being too hard on them, am I being to lenient? Did I make the right decision by letting them ride their bike into town, or spend the night at that friend's house? Parenting is a constant roller coaster. It's a constant question of "am I doing a good job?" "was I a good enough mom today?" "did I really send them out the door for school with just cereal in their bellies?" "did I put enough food in their lunches?" "did I really have to get that upset over something broken that could be replaced?" "did I spend enough one on one time with them last month?" I try not to be too hard on myself because I look at my kids and I see happy, well adjusted, go with the flow kids. But then Dub..oh Dub, I suck at being his mom. Since I suck at being his mom, I must suck at being mom...Sometimes the other kids suffer because of him and my lack of strength to be strong and fight him. So I suck at this mom thing goes through my head EVERY SINGLE TIME Dub disturbs our daily routine. I have to suck because I yell, I scream, I throw things. Ask the girl about the package of saltines, oh the mommy guilt. It's truth..it's real life.
Then I was scrolling FB and ran across this video.
It makes me wonder what my kids would say about me. I assume it would be that I was crazy. I just hope that in the long run they feel loved, secure and confident. I want nothing more than for them to be happy...
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